A Year Ago Today My Mother Smiled...

... A Year Ago Tomorrow, My Mother Was Gone (Deceased).

It's been a rough & busy year, yet my last days/year with Mom seem like yesterday.  The last time I visited Mom at her hospice bed in the nursing home was a year ago today.  She hadn't been very cognitive the last couple months of her life, but a year ago this morning she was a bit more alert!  Surprisingly, she had eaten a couple bites of toast for breakfast, and after a relatively short visit, as Mom was now sleeping most of the time, I told her we were leaving and she somewhat excitedly said, "Oh okay" and even nodded her head and gave me a smile -- something I hadn't seen in quite some time.  So as Anna & I left, I felt better about her condition than I had for the last week or two and actually thought she might have more time than I expected; forgetting that often folks have a really good day just prior to their death -- at least that has been our experience with some of our family.  It's hard to say exactly when she passed, it could have been anywhere between 4:30 p.m. that evening and 8 a.m. the next morning as I don't think anyone had really checked on her to notice she was gone until the morning nurse arrived with medications.  I'm sorry I wasn't with her that evening/night.  

Daddy & I love watermelon!    Dad & Mom down south visiting Mom's sister.

I miss both my parents!  I was the apple of my Daddy's eye (an only child) and he was the best Daddy in the whole world to me!  I miss everything about him!  Dad's humor, his love for the LORD and standing singing hymns along side of him in church (some hymns really bring on the tears), or going fishing -- he was my world.  Dad passed away in October of 2000, just a month shy of his 87th birthday.  Mom passed January 31, 2017 at the age of 88.  Mom wasn't the easiest person and she didn't seem to know how to love me or our family so much, yet I hold on to the good memories.

This past week I've been going through my calendar, bank statements, etc., preparing for the tax man, which was like walking down memory lane as my mind played back each "mile marker" of this past year: the daily visits to the nursing home, funeral planning, cleaning Mom's townhouse, the estate sale, hiring a painter & preparing her home to sell, selling her townhouse twice when the first buyer fell through, finally the odd closing, paying bills & closing accounts... still getting mailings from flippers wanting to buy her place!

Thankfully, outside of an occasional mailing to Mom, everything is now completed.  There are good days and hard days emotionally.  I sometimes feel emotionally drained, but it usually doesn't last for a whole day.  Just this past week I was filling out a form that had to do with something of Mom's and for the first time since Mom's passing, I had to give the name/address/phone of my nearest family not living with me.  Hmm, that set me back a little as I'm kind of an orphan now, although an adult with a family of my own, I have no close relatives from my childhood.  I do have one relative, my only cousin who is 11 yrs. older and his family, whom I cherish greatly, but live over an hour away and unfortunately we rarely see each other.  So I had to put down my in-laws!  And although I love and appreciate them, it was rather sad.  

I don't know if there's a day that goes by without thinking of my parents, not that I wish them back in the state they were in -- in poor health; I am happy that they are now resting in the sight of our Saviour.  But I miss them and I miss how it use to be.  I miss having a home base with family.

It's funny how often the less significant things bring on the tears...

for instance, these two pots were my Mom's.  In fact, Mom used these as long as I can remember.  She used them when I was a little girl and I just wonder if they might have been her mom's at one time.  She had a few newer pots too, but these were a constant.  The big one our girls call the mashed potato pot because Mom always made mashed potatoes in it when we were at her place for the holidays.  My Calphalon cookware was wearing out, so now these are my everyday cookware full of good memories, and so I have to fight back the tears almost every time I use them.

This isn't the best example, but Mom had very nice handwriting right up until her fall.  Some days my handwriting looks just like hers, but I'm never consistent.  She had a little ID-type card in her checkbook that she had written "daughter", my name & phone number that somehow I cherish.  While taking care of Mom's bookkeeping over the past 1+ years, I saw her handwriting often and it was like time stood still (more tears).

I miss my home town.  Just last week I returned to close out Mom's bank accounts and for days prior to going (delayed because of a snowstorm), the very thought of doing it brought so many tears.  It was the very last reason where I had to return to the area I grew up in, the area I absolutely love and have so many good memories.  Seriously, I prayed that I could hold it together and wouldn't break down crying in the bank, as silly as that may sound!  But it was good for me to go as so much has changed in the last 25 years with mansions all around.  I found out what I really missed were the memories of how it use to be, which I will always hold close in my heart.  And of course I have a car, I can visit and shop there any time I want.

Yes, it's all the little things that flood our hearts with joy & sorrow

that make up life and love.

That's a good thing.  And I'm thankful that YHWH (God)

has given us a Comforter for just such times.

And now I snap back into the present with much comic relief, like Anna bringing me a beautiful bouquet of flowers in memory of Mom's passing and Inky (cat) knocking them over, breaking the tall vase full of water, half of which poured into my purse.  I now have everything in my purse laying out to dry. :)   

Thanks for that final smile Mom.
I'll remember it forever!
Love, Jane